What do healthy relationships look like? Every Monday and Thursday afternoon at 4 p.m. I spend somewhere plus an hour organising for my 5 year old to spend quality time via a video link with her father in a zoom session. In a decision made by the Court, even when coronavirus pandemic is over, these twice-weekly video conversations will continue.
What am I teaching a five-year-old about healthy relationships? That we should continue to communicate with people just because they have a biological or historical relationship with us? That despite the concerns have arising from un-acknowledged domestic abuse, I believe that my child should attempt to have a safe and meaningful relationship with her father? That just because someone, who doesn’t fully respect our personal situation, gets to dictate to us who to pursue relationships with? That I’m all talk and no action – yep, I talk about having relationships with people, and yet me, her own mother (and the one she spends significant time with) doesn’t choose to have an intimate personal relationship with anybody. I really want to teach her so much more than these basic idioms but I do feel that I need to recover from my own issues before any of that happens. So again, we digress.
If only I could segment out these video sessions as one part of my life? What do I like about them? What do I not like about them? What’s the impact of them on Miss J’s world? On my world? What’s the impact of them on ASD? What’s the impact of them on me regarding the “parenting of the parent” behaviours and domestic abuse? Not in this post – but I will come back to answer these questions …
In the video call before the Easter Weekend, the 5yo’s father says to her, to end the conversation, “be good for Mummy, otherwise the Easter Bunny won’t come”. He say’s this without apparent consideration of who she is, and how she processes the world. He has been called to task before about calling her a “cheeky little shit” in jest, to which he put up a social media post to justify his position – Miss J was only 4 at the time, and certainly has always had amazingly receptive language skills. His base view has been, and apparently seems to still be, “I was raised with these statements and views, and I turned out ok, so what’s the harm?”
…. And yet, if we are to truly dissect this issue, I’m more than fine with allowing said 5yo to believe in the Easter Bunny! I just don’t believe we should link ANY behaviours of children (which could be caused from the way a person processes the world, health, parenting styles, and a myriad of other outside or internal influences), to a global celebration concept, and the characters that are linked to it. ie, Easter Bunny and Santa Clause comes to all who believe – it’s just that simple.
Quote from an article on Kidspot reads “Children who make wrong choices with their behaviour absolutely do not deserve to be shamed – because, they are kids! Part of being a child is stuffing up so they can learn how to make a better choice the next time. Yes, children need boundaries, and yes, they absolutely need limits, but that’s the job for parents, not a fictional character!”
I don’t know of any way to co-parent effectively with a person that refuses to make any admissions to their impact on others during an unforseen in our lifetime, global pandemic! For now, Happy Easter!! 😀
Doing Life Differently 