It’s 10.30pm on a weeknight, and my child has been in bed and asleep for a good couple of hours – and it’s my time to chill – it’s my time to zone out with my self-indulgent “netflix and chill time”. I will clarify first – I am on the spectrum (Autism, that is), and so for me, the term “Netflix and chill” has NO other meaning – I disengage my brain, and watch Netflix. Apologies to the teenagers – I am also a single Mum in my mid-40’s!
Tonight’s 90 minutes of zone-out is about a clinical psychologist giving dating advice online, and securing a book deal – but just before she presents her fiancé on camera, he dumps her, and a childhood friend picks up the role of fake fiancé, to ensure she can secure her picture perfect career and life. There is a scene from the movie that struck home with me though, after a conversation I had today.
Earlier today, I was enjoying some time off my feet (literally, the podiatrist was working on them), and we were getting into one of many conversations we have. Let’s call him Peter, the Podiatrist – we were talking about domestic violence (and no, I don’t seem to ever recall how we end up getting so deep into conversation so quickly), and Peter asks me “so if you had the political power to change something with DV, what would it be? And where would you start?”
WOW! What a question! I’ve spent the last two years actively recovering from domestic abuse, so I have some thoughts on this – but that’s not where I am going with this blog post. The first part of my answer to Peter, related back to the scene in the rom-com that became a bit of a trigger. We have to change the narrative from the beginning
That means identifying everything from the bias’ we have, how we teach what love is, the language we use around children, the stereotypes we have around gender – it’s so big and cumbersome, it’s a bit like the “eating an elephant” analogy – one bite at a time.
The scene in the movie: Kate (Psychologist) is stating that she doesn’t know what the future with Luke will look like (Fake Fiancé). Future Mother-In-Law says “Well, you don’t know. That’s love”. MIL goes onto say “I mean, it’s the ultimate leap of faith. Is it scary? Yes. But when it’s right, and when you love someone enough, all those little things … they just go away.”
Full disclosure, I have been married and divorced, twice, so I would say I’ve got a little experience in that “relationship goal” we work so hard for in our late teens and twenties. We ALL know that rom-coms are not reality, but the issue that I consistently feel I am responding to is that “a goal of life is to be in a committed relationship, and that it comes in the form of a husband or wife”. That thinking has the potential to have us losing sight of who we are and what we actually want from our life – potentially blurring the healthy boundaries we need to keep ourselves safe.
To unpack the scene from the movie further:
- “you don’t know the future – that’s love” No, that’s not love. Not knowing the future is very normal – none of us do. But take a look at someone’s actions in the moment, and you have a clearer picture of what your future with them will look like. Linking natural uncertainty with love will get you very confused (and possibly manipulated), very quickly.
- “It’s the ultimate leap of faith” Feeding this line into the growing brain of a teenager regarding their relationships, sets people up to ignore their gut feelings and to not read the evidence that’s being presented to them.
- “When you love someone enough”. NO – ultimately people have to take responsibility inside relationships. I have held onto this view for a very long time, and I recall making the statement akin to this belief prior to both marriages – relationships aren’t one sided – you cannot simply “love someone enough”. If you think about it, you cannot ‘love someone enough’ to get them through a drug addiction (many well-meaning parents have tried that with their children) – ultimately one of the AA steps is that the person with the destructive behaviour, ultimately needs to take responsibility – you just can’t do that for them.
- “all those little things … they just go away”. No, if you feel that they have just ‘gone away’ you’ve probably just given into a boundary. eg, Just because I like Dolly Parton, does not mean I like all country music. By believing this lie, or feeding it into our head, we literally are minimising our own likes, dislikes and experiences. Where oh where did our sense of self go??
So where do we start the conversation on abuse? – literally ‘anywhere you can’. Abuse is a cycle, and some of the limiting thoughts and behaviours are generational. Be prepared not to hold all the answers. Be self-reflective in your thoughts, and teach the next generation to be the same way. Question gender norms and biases. Support programs in schools and the community that have capacity for change. Be brave enough to think and be different.
And know that movies are escapism, but that doesn’t leave us without a voice to have an opinion on what ‘information’ each story tells us. And the most rewarding relationship is the one we ultimately develop with ourselves.
Doing Life Differently 