Is my response too harsh?

I’m Autistic … that’s not a label or an excuse, but more of an explanation … but deary me, this communication stuff is hard work!!

So, we’ve made it to January 2021, and in Australia, we are entering some more COVID restrictions, and again, I am forced into this space of having to interpret communication. I find it soooo tiring. It’s hard work – truly.

And as I reflect over 2020 (and ALL that it had to offer), I’m frustrated. Yeah, it’s a strange word for 2020 – since most people use ‘big emotion’ words, like fear, death, anger, etc. But for me, and the small little world that I live in, it’s frustration … but it’s not directly due to COVID. And a part of frustration is anger, and I have met a number of people that are angry at their local or nationally elected leaders for restricting their choices due to a worldwide pandemic. I get that, but I’m not angry at Government for doing what they believe is in the best interest of the majority.

I’m frustrated at myself for not being able to get my head around the subtleties of non-verbal or minimal communication, and yet, I am a grown-a#$ adult! And a middle-aged one at that! I’m frustrated when a supposed friend called me a ‘socialist’ with such venom, when we were disagreeing on the narcissistic leader of the free world, that I am now forced to question the whole friendship. I don’t understand how a priority was put on a politician from another country and his agenda, over a 26 year friendship. I’m frustrated by the sadness this raises in me. I’m frustrated that I can’t just ‘drop it’. I’m frustrated when well meaning people even suggest that as an option.

I’m frustrated that I cannot find (and let’s be honest – relate to and retain long term) a psychologist that get’s the idiosyncrasies of my ever-thinking brain.

I’m frustrated that I am unable to truly share in a deep intimate relationship (not sexual). In a time where I want to be able to let my inner world out, I can’t. It doesn’t feel safe. It’s not like I don’t have friends – I really do. I have a select few amazing individuals in my life I absolutely would not swap – they get me – and this is the frustrating bit – they get me only as much as I can let them! But with all the trauma I have experienced over my lifetime, I just don’t really let people in. Married and divorced twice, I become what people need me to be – and I am really good at that – and I lose myself in the process. And in 2020, where physical separation was very real, and us mere humans were forced back into our skill set of being able to ‘read people’, I failed miserably, and the frustration continues to build.

2020 also meant I chose (partially), to finally lose the relationship with both of my parents and four siblings – yeah – nice big one there! This continues to be a difficult choice, but I also struggle with am I being too harsh? Frustrated that I am trying to raise a child with a healthy sense of family, and yet cannot make it happen with my own extended flesh and blood. Frustrated that I can’t just say to a taxi driver (who I can’t tell if he was trying to be funny, build rapport with my 6yo daughter, or flirt with me) that making a comment that Mummy should give you a sister or brother, is super-inappropriate and I am left genuinely speechless. I’m really frustrated that I can never really ‘turn-off’ the tap of my over cautious, ever-thinking brain.

I was in a meeting a week ago, when a person who I consider lovely and quite ‘switched-on’, says to me “I think you took my comment too literally” Really?! Minus a few expletives, I reminded her that unfortunately for her, I am on the spectrum, and that behaviour is super-common! And here’s the frustration – I look functional to the casual observer.

Even someone that doesn’t know me, and is part of a group that I am involved with, messaged me to say that rather than pay for a professional to give her appropriate information on a topic that I am a little knowledgeable on, she’s rather use me – she doesn’t want to waste her money. I’m frustrated that I don’t feel confident enough to say “Enough!”

And then there’s the constant frustration that I feel as I write these words, that I sound like I’m needy, a victim, whingy about struggles I have with communication on a public blog site which takes a decent grasp of the english language to put words on a page in a readable form … aargh!! And yet, can’t fill out a form without having an anxiety attack, because it’s too hard to process.

And rather than find the skills to ‘repair’ all these lost relationships, I’d rather just not. In amongst it all, I have a base view that because of a history of abuse, I have attracted a lot of abusive people into my circle of influence.

But then I do what I really do best – reflect and analyse (yeah, it’s frustrating that I can’t turn that one off), and I realise that it’s not due to a lack of confidence, the potential loss of a friendship, inability to share my inner world, past abuse, victim mentality or any other crazy reason I’ve come up with to explain this frustration I feel. Simply put, it’s empathy. Too much of it.

I don’t send the text to the needy group person because I think “English isn’t your first language, and you might not be saying what I have understood – it would be mean for me to just say no to responding to your late night messages.” I don’t send a message to the friend of 26 years because “it might hurt her feelings, and how would she explain her sadness to her children and grandchildren”. I don’t ask advice of my dear friends when I really need to “because they have needs too, and what, do I think I’m special enough to interrupt their much-deserved down-time?”. I say yes to therapists that aren’t the right fit for me “because they are doing the best they know how”. I allow myself to be hurt by my family “cause they must be hurting too”. I allow the taxi driver to speak out of turn “because I don’t know what kind of day he’s had, and wouldn’t it be better if we gave him a good day?” And to the work college “she might have had a tough day, and my words might be the reason she takes tomorrow off sick, impacting a whole company”.

Truthfully then, I’m still frustrated, but it has less to do with 2020 and COVID, and more to do with how I navigate me. And unfortunately, without having supportive adults in my childhood, and understanding therapists in my immediate future, I get to figure this one out on my own. Communication advice welcome: apply within.