Likely lots of people have described their experience of having a neuro-diverse brain, but with the recent purchase of the new iPhone 13, comes lots more notifications to be ‘healthy’ – my phone and watch telling me to breathe, wash my hands when I get home, drink water – you know, all those things that are supposedly good for us, but who really has time for them? – We are too busy LIVING! (or more precisely, existing begrudgingly from one societal expectation to another).
Aside from my slightly dark view of being above ground (ok, I’m not really that pessimistic, just some weeks feel a little that way – a motivation behind this piece of writing?!), I have got quite a connection to Apple products, due to their accessibility options, and effective support of disability. I also am consistently (and in my opinion, annoyingly) encouraged by my psychologist to be more ‘grounded’ – apparently it helps in overcoming some of the mental health barriers.
So today, on a day that has relatively high anxiety due to some expectant negative news from the Doctor early next week, I thought I’d take the advice given … It’s worthy of noting that my Apple Watch has the ‘Breathe’ icon listed in the computations of the watch face, so all I have to do is press the button …
I pressed the icon, chose ‘Reflect’ (1 minute), and this happened … displayed on the watch face, it reads:
Bring to mind something you are passionate about. (Begin) … Really, just one thing? What the hell is the Apple Watch trying to do to me? No thoughts come to mind. Immediate freakout – am I passionate about too many things, or nothing at all? Am I only passionate about crap that other people are interested in, since I don’t feel like a like I have a sense of self? Nah, negative self talk is going to be annoying, even to me here. Hey hold on, maybe I should do an ECG first? How cool is this feature? I love the iOS 15 update! Ooh, I wonder if the ECG heartbeat can be printed out or emailed to the doctor? Hmmm, do I need to order more printer ink? Oh, I’ve got so many emails to print. I’m nearly up to 100 emails again. Crap, I was supposed to ring my friend earlier. Aaah, might text tomorrow, so I can let her know about Monday. Oh, god I wish Monday was finished. Ah, that’s gonna suck having to put in the complaint about the anxiety attack. Eff. I so don’t want to go. Why can’t doctors just email reports to you. Jeez. Ooops, what the hell am I supposed to be doing? Why am I pretending that I can even be mindful? Are people lying when they say they do meditation every day? How is that even poss – What was that noise? What is my child up to now? What is she screaming about? Aargh – I just want 60 seconds to myself! Who am I kidding – this is going to take more than 60 seconds …
Take a breath. Start again. Whoops, just noticed I hadn’t actually pressed the ‘begin’ button. OK, pressing that. Nothing happened. Literally sat and watched the same words on the one and a quarter inch screen of my watch for 60 seconds, and then it came up with the next question … “Enjoy how it helps you feel fulfilled“. I want to cry right now. Eff – I can’t even effectively reflect!
And then it had the hide to mock me with “Carry this sense of fulfillment with you“. Go jump, Apple!!
I’m sure it would be comical if I wasn’t trying for real. And then a quote by someone famous comes to mind – “If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again.” Aaah … ok. Thanks Robert the Bruce, King of Scotland for your wise words. Because the truth that became obvious in that sixty seconds of thought diarrhoea that I have just endured, is that I can reflect. Sure, the tangents that exist in those sixty seconds of neuro-diversity is a little eye-brow raising, thankfully still PG, but so beautifully honest and raw – once I take a breath.
Because if you’ve just read what I’ve written, at the speed to which it happened in my brain, you’ll understand very quickly that the important part of ALL of it is … take . a . breath . A lovely teacher once told me that the benefit to mindfulness is that it creates a space between thought and response. I like this view more than this idea that I should be “grounded in the present”. Then again, maybe the real reflection of today’s sixty seconds is that there is a valid space for both. Having a mind that doesn’t do linear thoughts easily, maybe success and a sense of fulfillment is achieved by realising that by being brave enough to practice stopping for sixty seconds each day, and just taking a breath, appreciating the space that’s created that allows for a response, and then focusing on the current moment, I can see that I am passionate about … neuro-diversity (oh, look at that, brain … carry this sense of fullfillment with you!). I am definitely passionate about allowing others to really know and appreciate the rainbow of the human condition.
I now encourage you to find sixty seconds …
Doing Life Differently 