Crying Wolf

So I’ve spent a couple of days now in pain with my back spasming and I feel like no one is available to help. Is that because I’ve cried for help when I haven’t needed it? I received NDIS funding 3 and nearly 1/2 years ago and in that time I have had a myriad of support workers come in and help me. So much of that help I’ve had to almost fein that I’ve needed it – not in the way you think though. And not as a hypochondriac, but more in a use-it-or-lose-it fashion or even in a proactive vs reactive response. 

I’ll explain that a little further – some people go to the gym to build muscle, some people go to the gym to do cardio and stay healthy and fit, but those with chronic illness generally go to the gym to build our core strength so we don’t hurt ourselves. But to watch us at the gym is interesting to say the least, as we tend to do these really light exercise as almost Pilates or yoga style, to build our core strength so that if we fall/when we fall, we can pick ourselves back up again. How this presents after 6 or 12 months is that our bodies don’t look like they’ve changed – and in a way it looks like we are pretending to go to the gym. What we’re actually doing is being proactive … 

I think this is why I find it so hard to do my personal emergency plan. When I actually go ahead and think about it, who do I really trust that’s going to be there at the drop of a hat (in the case of an emergency)? There literally is no one (not that I have no-one that supports me, just that there is no one that drops everything and responds, like ‘ideal family’ might) – I’ve either said no to them due to my impossibly high expectations, or they’ve got their own things going on – both are likely and reasonable. 

This leaves me in a position of needing to proactively build my support network – and if I’m honest with myself, it’s where I stop being proactive. It’s why I end up in this ugly space of “am I crying wolf?”

Communication with purpose is tiring, and of course, there’s the little winey voice that chimes in and says “why do I need to put in all the effort to build relationships so I can have supports when my body or mind fail?” Communication with purpose is tiring, because you then spend a lot of time believing that relationships aren’t real, and people are just being nice to you because they feel sorry for you. And then I cycle back to “is the only reason I have a friendship/relationship is because of their future use to me?” Bit of a narcissist way to view relationships, right?! 

But then again, having NDIS controlling your access to supports you will need in the future, does tend to lead to this type of thinking. It’s the kind of thinking that is supposed to lead you to anticipating future need. So why write this post?? Full circle thinking – I am consistently surprised by the need when it arises, and not-surprisingly, it’s always damn inconvenient!

So, am I really crying wolf, or am I just a little bit overwhelmed by the basic conundrum of ‘unexpected happening’? And given that we are globally still amist a Covid-19 pandamic, I suspect all that really happened, is that I was thrown by my body doing something it hasn’t done in a while (but I have MS, and it does do weird things), and due to Government regulations, I am unable to take my normal path to recovery!