Sitting in this park, there’s these massive old Silver Gum trees twisting their way easily 50 metres into the sky. Looking scraggly, yet majestic, and steely blue and silver grey colours curling their way around 3-4 metre diameter tree tree trunks. Bits of bark ready to fall off at the slightest hint of a breeze, but yet just blowing calmly as the breeze increases enough that I put on my jacket, and pick up my empty coffee cup that’s blown over.

The stories these trees could tell – the families of animals they have housed, the storms they have weathered, the amount of people that have become introspective over their absolute beauty – and still they just keep growing. Not impervious to impact of the world around them. They have knots in their trunk where branches have been taken away due to whatever force of nature decided to hit at that growing stage. Even the whole centre of one trunk is completely rotted away, right next to the branch where clearly a chainsaw has been taken to it for whatever human-determined purpose.

As I contemplate that thought, I’m left with a different thought – these trees have been tended to. Not told what to do, not directed to grow, just given the space to do what they are designed to do, and supported where necessary. Branches being removed occasionally, nutrients added to the soil to support the trees base, bark cleaned up off the ground, and then just letting nature take it’s course. That thought that these amazing, majestic, but imperfect trees have been tended to, really does lead me to think that the hardships that change us irreversibly, actually can have the power to make us unexpectedly amazing! That might feel like a leap in thinking, but these trees really are phenomenal in their intricate beauty, and aside from the Huon Pines in Tasmania and Giant Redwood Trees in California, really are favourites.

Now I just need to find the space to tend my own self, make peace with my history and enjoy the unexpectedly amazing!

I bought a ring today – one that I really like, for US$20 – on what is the 8th year Anniversary of the surprise engagement to my second husband. Thing is, the divorce from said husband is about to be finalised through court. 

The irony of this situation though, is he spent 2 years asking me what type of ring I liked, and then surprised me with a ring that was soooo small it didn’t even fit on my little finger, and with sapphires! – not my birthstone, or actually a colour I am drawn to – but it is a stone that he liked.

He had found some sapphires and other stones gem fossicking years before he met me, and some of the green stones were certainly pretty, but he didn’t even get a ring made with those stones (apparently we couldn’t afford it). 

And now, just today, I have bought a silicone ring (Enso Rings) – yep, silicone – because now that I have space to know who I am and what I really like, it’s so totally me! My last engagement ring, I paid to have it repaired twice (I still own it, and it’s currently broken), because I am a size V in a standard ring, and it had to be resized up from a K – so of course, there’s a major weak link in the ring. And of course, I’m classicly clumsy, so the ring would crack or bend in the added section – something a silicone ring will NEVER do! And honestly, if for any reason, I do take it off and misplace it, I won’t feel bad for losing it – it’ll be a sentimental loss, and I won’t have someone making me feel bad about it. 

And the other irony about wearing a silicone ring is that it is effectively a plastic – and I enjoy recycling and repurposing stuff! Makes no sense to me – but I’m ok with that! 

So I’ve spent a couple of days now in pain with my back spasming and I feel like no one is available to help. Is that because I’ve cried for help when I haven’t needed it? I received NDIS funding 3 and nearly 1/2 years ago and in that time I have had a myriad of support workers come in and help me. So much of that help I’ve had to almost fein that I’ve needed it – not in the way you think though. And not as a hypochondriac, but more in a use-it-or-lose-it fashion or even in a proactive vs reactive response. 

I’ll explain that a little further – some people go to the gym to build muscle, some people go to the gym to do cardio and stay healthy and fit, but those with chronic illness generally go to the gym to build our core strength so we don’t hurt ourselves. But to watch us at the gym is interesting to say the least, as we tend to do these really light exercise as almost Pilates or yoga style, to build our core strength so that if we fall/when we fall, we can pick ourselves back up again. How this presents after 6 or 12 months is that our bodies don’t look like they’ve changed – and in a way it looks like we are pretending to go to the gym. What we’re actually doing is being proactive … 

I think this is why I find it so hard to do my personal emergency plan. When I actually go ahead and think about it, who do I really trust that’s going to be there at the drop of a hat (in the case of an emergency)? There literally is no one (not that I have no-one that supports me, just that there is no one that drops everything and responds, like ‘ideal family’ might) – I’ve either said no to them due to my impossibly high expectations, or they’ve got their own things going on – both are likely and reasonable. 

This leaves me in a position of needing to proactively build my support network – and if I’m honest with myself, it’s where I stop being proactive. It’s why I end up in this ugly space of “am I crying wolf?”

Communication with purpose is tiring, and of course, there’s the little winey voice that chimes in and says “why do I need to put in all the effort to build relationships so I can have supports when my body or mind fail?” Communication with purpose is tiring, because you then spend a lot of time believing that relationships aren’t real, and people are just being nice to you because they feel sorry for you. And then I cycle back to “is the only reason I have a friendship/relationship is because of their future use to me?” Bit of a narcissist way to view relationships, right?! 

But then again, having NDIS controlling your access to supports you will need in the future, does tend to lead to this type of thinking. It’s the kind of thinking that is supposed to lead you to anticipating future need. So why write this post?? Full circle thinking – I am consistently surprised by the need when it arises, and not-surprisingly, it’s always damn inconvenient!

So, am I really crying wolf, or am I just a little bit overwhelmed by the basic conundrum of ‘unexpected happening’? And given that we are globally still amist a Covid-19 pandamic, I suspect all that really happened, is that I was thrown by my body doing something it hasn’t done in a while (but I have MS, and it does do weird things), and due to Government regulations, I am unable to take my normal path to recovery! 

There’s not too many times in life, that an inanimate object can bring tears to my eyes, and warm my soul. But today I received delivery of one such object … A beautiful handmade black metal UFO pentatonic drum.

The very nice, but completely unaware postie dropped a box at my front door at around 3pm, without a care as to what might be included. After locating a hammer and chisel to pry my new self-love gift from its well-secured wooden box, revealed was this oddly UFO shaped metal thing – exactly what I was expecting, but somehow infinitely more precious.

Steel tongue drums, or their variant names, haven’t been around all that long (compared to the history of time), but the concept of banging on something to make a melodic sound has been. I’m totally awed by the concept that I, the human with little to no musical skill (we can unpack that issue later!), can make inspiring sounds within seconds of having this amazing drum in my hands. It’s a truly beautiful and gifted thing, to be able to sit and resonate with the vibration of sound coming from a modified propane tank!

The tears may be from being in isolation (I doubt it – I was a happy hermit before covid), or from my randomly emotive MS state, either way, the vibration of sound seems to stir up the connective tissues of my body, and feels healing to the touch. All the 8 notes on each of the ‘tongues’ are tuned together, that no matter which non-talented way you bang on them, the results are soul satisfying.

And the biggest benefit to this little UFO? … The value to a 5yo who senses the world very differently – she can bang on this thing till her heart is content (you can’t break it – it’s a steel drum!), and the vibrations reach all the way to her little toes. I think our UFO is going to be well loved for a long time to come!

On a practical note, steel drums can be found under a number of different names, and I purchased mine from the inspiring and gifted Alli, and all her musical offerings can be found at Oh My Musical Goodness online.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton